The First Scab

Shh! This is a secret...

Whatever happens here, is a secret. 

Why? Why is it a secret?

Because up until now you had no idea who you were. You had no idea who I was. And you had no idea who everyone around you was either. 

Isn't that a slap in the face? 

Okay, take it as a lie... but you know it's true. That no one is how they seem and that everything you see on a person is a badge, a scab, a fabrication stitched to the bones. It makes you shake doesn't it? If it doesn't, it should. 

So who's the first scab I want to pick at...? 

It's me...

Let's see... brown skin, curly hair, freckled hands... 

Geek lover, nose picker, stubborn, stuck...

Heartbroken, afraid, but happy on the smallest discoveries. I think we all are. 

My dad told me the other night that these are supposed to be the best years of my life... and I don't know how he could ever say something like that. The best years of my life is supposed to include a Great Recession, a heart that's broken, lost ambition, and no university life? I feel like living in this small town is killing me from the inside out. It's a hot and sticky massacre. You never see the seasons change. You never get past the people you met in high school. You never discover new things. Isn't that what college is about? 

Yoooou caught me! I'm complaining. Big Time! 

And I have a lot to be grateful for and in some ways I feel like these words will be WAY underrated. Because around here all everyone will ever say is, "You've got a lot to be grateful for kid!" and then you HAVE to agree. How can people say that? Maybe only incredibly optimistic people can. And I used to be one of those people. 

But when you have a ton of experiences stabbing you from every which side, and then you call your friends that are in New York or Georgia and meeting new people in dorms... you have a TON to think about. 

And maybe that's the problem. 

There is too much to think about. 

Picking apart the details and the virtues of others completely demolishes the story you have built up around yourself. 

Here was my life. 

Hem Hem! 

Confused but content with my morals. People told me that they admired me because I was just so innocent. I made good decisions because that's what is expected. Sure I've tried to break a few rules but for the wrong reasons. I never really saw why any needed to be broken in the first place. I didn't think about loving life or hating it. I was just content. It's easy. Life is easy. It was just simple. I read books of other stories that I didn't expect to live. If anything the only thing I did expect was to live bigger than this one day. 

And then that day just never came. 

After I got my heart broken I started hurting people in all the wrong ways. And I still feel like punching out the sucker that did it. It wasn't long after that though that I started discovering certain... and most unusual things about myself though. That for some reason there is something watching me. There is a certain... (JUST SHUT UP) power I have; and that alone pretty much makes me worried about the rest of my life. 

So there you have it! You know nothing about me still! 

But at the same time you know everything that is about to come. 

Maybe afterwards you can sew the pieces together, like how I am right now, but...

... just don't be afraid to finish the puzzle, like how I am to do right now. 

So here's the first scab.